Selfish or Selfless

Sometimes, things just have to get done and when you’re in that space that one job takes precendence.

Self care is often confused with but does not equal being SELFISH. 

Ultimately by practicing it more, you will have more of yourself to give long term.

Recently I did something that reminded me again how important it is to look after yourself, first and foremost.

On top of my usual work week, I did a non stop 18 hour plus day on the back of a few consecutive nights of minimal sleep, backing up the next day to finish it off the project.  At the end of that if you had a poked a fork in me I would have screamed I’m DONE.

Problem is I wasn’t, I still had responsibilities, travel, work etc to round out the week and it was only Tuesday.  I got through Monday and Tuesday ok but it trickled into everyday thereafter, I missed exercise, was functioning at a sub par level and I also question whether the product produced at that level of fatigue I was even as good as it could have been if my time had been managed better.

I missed exercise, sleep, routine and now when I should be out and about I’m crashing. A timely reminder to sit back and take a breath, reset and look after number 1.

Most people who know me know that I’m pretty big on planning. Time is important to me and I always try to be aware and value others time as well. 

I don’t always get it right, in fact often I’m running around trying to jam as many things in back to back as possible.

I’m not the only person that has ever pulled a big day, pulled out all stops to get a project done on deadline and I am unlikely to be the last.

The CIA lists Sleep Deprivation as a source of Torture so why do we often try to burn the candle at both ends.

Burning the Candle at both ends, we throw around way too often as if it’s a badge of honour. Its not something to be proud of.

Lack of sleep inhibits brain function, which then impacts the choices you make around you. 

VIC ROADS says that by being awake for 18 hours you’ve have a perceived Blood Alcohol Level of .05

Sometimes we try to squeeze as much as possible into every day.  Putting others needs before our own.  Ultimately we are the ones who suffer.

I’m not just preaching, I’ve lived it.  I used to run around doing as much as I could for everyone else. If someone needed something I did it.  It’s still very much in my DNA to want to help others. If I needed something, I also did it. I didn’t love asking others for anything.

I pushed myself so hard that I burnt that candle so far down that there was nothing left to reignite.

Even when I started to get sick I kept pushing, then I ended up with kidney failure amongst other things and was running on a total of 8 percent function.  My body was so broken that I couldn’t even lift a cup of coffee, I actually couldn’t even enjoy a coffee anyway because it made me sick.  I’d been so independent and self sufficient and selfless but all of a sudden ( in hindsight it wasn’t sudden).  I had no fire or blame left in me at all.  I was forced to take a break or die. 

Actually making myself take the break, removing myself from toxicity around me and concentrate solely on me was one of the hardest mental battles to have.  A lot of self worth sometimes is built up around what you bring to the table.   In the end I had nothing to bring, and instead I had everything to lose if I didn’t change.

I had to take at least two years off full time work. Two years to someone who rarely took a day off from anything and I had to completely rebuild and still am building my capacity.  The body is amazing and resilent, nothing  

Basically by trying to squeeze as much into the time that I had everyday I ended up losing a big chunk of it.

My friends got married, had kids, got careers and bought houses.

What did I do, I survived. 

I evolved and I learnt to try not to take things for granted.

Think of me as an old classic restored car.  A labour of love, that has some features now that weren’t necessarily factory issued and that has a tendency to break down a bit if not cared for properly.  I have adapted somewhat but can’t necessarily do everything now that I could of if I had of just taken the time to care for it right from the start. Some days it takes me a bit longer to kick the motor over, some days the car should just sit in garage and not go anywhere as it’s overheated.

I appreciate what I have now, but man I wish I’d appreciated myself more before.

If you’re always FOMOing. 

Fear this….  “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is quite possibly the most ironic saying that people throw around way too flippantly.  Bon Jovi has a lot to answer for.

Lack of sleep and self care may just be what kills you in the end.